I could let myself fall into the rut… I have gained 16 lbs. I seriously cannot remember a thing I don’t write down and it makes me feel incompetent. I drive by and miss my turns. I’m late. I’m uncomfortable. I can’t make my body do what it did. I’m emotional; I cry everyday- sometimes when I’m moved by happiness, and sometimes when I’m overwhelmed with sadness.
Yesterday, I was talking to my friend that said, “If I get up in the morning and tell myself I am tired. Then, I’m tired. If I tell myself, I’m good, well then I’m good.” I realized that for the most part, I tell myself I’m good. And that helps to keep me afloat and at ease during pregnancy. People comment on my calmness a lot. I don’t say this to brag, I say it because it is accurate. Since, I sincerely believe comparison is the thief of joy. I try never to resort to the notion that I’m so lucky to be pregnant and others try and can’t. I believe that’s a bullshit cop out. Our paths are different; there is reason and energy there. People don’t need our pity (but that’s a different blog altogether). But what I do believe is calmness is a skill. A skill, built through discipline. Discipline is something everyone needs. I believe in the power of one mindedness, the ability to train yourself to focus on one thing at a time and cut out the distraction. Personally, I build this on a yoga mat and in meditation. But you can do it anywhere; on a treadmill, on a track, in the woods, climbing a mountain. Shit, I practiced it in a closet I had to pump in at work a couple years ago. I would close my eyes and focus on my breath. This discipline helps me to rationalize most situations. It puts me back in charge, and detaches fear from letting go. This translates to calmness, a skill. I read on a wall in a bathroom in Paris, “The inability to control your emotions will be your greatest undoing.” Not sure if that is a famous line from someone but it has stuck with me since I was 27.
So a confession from your average pregnant yogi; Yes, I’m all the things I listed at the beginning, But I’m also fucking showing up on my mat, I AM PRACTICING DISCIPLINE! I stay, and listen when I want to run, I AM PRACTICING DISCIPLINE! I do things I don’t want to but that will make me stronger emotionally and mentally, I AM PRACTICING DISCIPLINE! I sit and meditate, I move and meditate, I pull over in my car and meditate. I AM PRACTICING DISCIPLINE! I love my body, I feel beautiful most days and if I don’t I take my picture and stare at it for a few minutes. And remind myself that, I am disciplined. Perception is everything. It’s the same as any other thing we deem “a problem.” It only exists in that fashion if we view that way. Be mindful of what you tell yourself, if you don’t have the power to change the record. Try to build discipline in some area of your life, see if this creates confidence and balance. Perhaps, calmness isn’t the skill you need, maybe it is something else. Regardless, take the time to think about it and build discipline around it. People do not become good at things by chance, they do it through discipline. This isn’t me lacking empathy, or conveying somebody else’s thoughts, or claiming expertise. This is me taking a notion and applying it to my life, which I choose to share with you. Maybe it sounds vain or unimportant but so be it. Only person I know how to be is me. And these are my thoughts, a pregnant yogi.