Last week, something weird happened to me in yoga.
I was not sure then and I am still not sure now where it came from. Maybe it was the two week break I took to nurse the tendinitis that flared up in my shoulder, maybe it was because it was cheat day and I had spent the day loading up on all of my favorite fatty foods, or perhaps it was the fact that I am a bit fluffy today ( a consequence of cheat day) Whatever the reason, today I allowed my body to break my focus. I did not like what I saw in the mirror today and it completely took over my practice. I became self-critical, I became frustrated, I ended up crying in pigeon pose…my practice came to a complete halt. I was frustrated. I was frustrated with things completely out of my control. I was frustrated with myself for allowing myself to get to this weight in the first place, frustrated with myself for allowing my fixation on my weight to disrupt my practice, frustrated with the practice for being what it was, difficult and challenging. All of this frustration, anger and disruption stemming from one place. My body. What is my body? A vessel, a canvas, a mode of transportation, a sack of bones meat and gas. And there, in a room full of other sweaty meat and gas bags doing some funky move (seriously, budakon yoga incorporates some funky moves) I allowed my discomfort with my sweaty meat and gas bag to turn my happy place, my happy practice, into a hostile war zone.
The topic of body issues seems to be a hot button topic in the yoga world now. There has been a call to arms to eliminate the stereotypical “thin and fit” yoga girl image and embrace the idea that yoga is for everyone. This movement has given curvy girls such as myself the courage to be a yes and take part in yoga poses that we once thought impossible. All of this I am on board for. I have been a huge champion of the idea that yoga is for everyone and that we, as humans, are capable of doing more than we give ourselves credit for. All of these ideologies are phenomenal, however it is the reason that we need them that got me thinking.
This happens to all of us. Too often, we are halted by our bodies. Not just in yoga, but in everyday life, men and women alike. I find myself saying constantly, “when I look like this” or “when I am skinny” or “I can’t wait until I have this body”. I will smile in pictures when my cheeks aren’t as fat. I will try a handstand when I lose more weight. I will wear this bathing suit when my tummy is smaller. I am forgetting to live in the wow of now with the body I have. I am forgetting to smile in the pictures where I was genuinely happy. I am forgetting to believe in the abilities I have now. I am forgetting to feel good about the person who I am today. We allow our insecurities to bring everything to a full stop, we allow ourselves to become trapped inside this fantasy of what could be rather than what is. This is what it is. Change it if you don’t like it, but do not allow “what is” to stop you from enjoying “what is” all around. My commitment to myself from here on in. Commit with me, you beautiful people.
Christine is one of the amazing human beings that practice regularly at BPY – and we are so grateful for her beautiful energy in our space and for sharing these insights on her yoga journey. Yogini, graduate student, singer, and guitar playing ninja are just a few of her titles. You can read more of Christine’s blogs at Does that Work for You Bro? Interested in writing for the BPY blog? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org